I have been struggling with wether to write this for a few weeks. I didn’t want people to think of me differently, feel sorry for me, not understand what I meant or make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I decided it was something that I wanted to write and I was struggling because I wanted to put it out there in case I could help someone or get advise but for the reasons above I was holding it back.
If you met me you would say I am a happy person, that I love to be around people and that being a mom is my lifelong triumph. This is all true having chronic depression and PTSD doesn’t change that. It does however change how I feel when I’m alone or at home with no one else around.
I have struggled with depression for years on and off. I fought the feelings and tried to ignore them so I wouldn’t have to be different. Here’s the thing…. A lot of people struggle with depression. A lot of people don’t talk about it but, why not? It’s fine, you are strong enough to say “I need help and I’m going to get it.”
My PTSD stems from my dad having his stroke almost three years ago. I constantly relive the few days before when I had a conversation with him about his arm being numb and just thought it was because he was holding my daughter and was low on potassium. I then think about getting the message that he had the stroke, driving furiously to the hospital with my husband and talking to him while he was going through it. The months upon months that he was in a coma and I sat by his bed praying that he would wake up and the look in his eyes when he finally did and realized what happened. It’s hard but the worst part is that I haven’t dealt with it at all. Not because I am angry or in denial but because I picked up the pieces and sprung into action to help my mom and dad get through it. I have hardly cried. I have pushed every emotion and thought down to my toes to the point that I think they are going to come up my throat and I am going to scream how I feel to the world.
I stopped smiling as much, I was getting angry, upset and very sad much more often and the worst part of all… I didn’t feel like getting on the floor and playing with my kids. That was the last stand. I needed help and I needed it now.
My first therapist didn’t get it. She didn’t seem to talk at all and it was uncomfortable. One of my amazing friends recommended her colleague. She was young, she was new so had a good outlook and the Pièce de rèsistance she did Equine therapy. I could work with horses. The only place in the world where I feel like myself and that my soul is happy and healthy. Don’t get me wrong, my kids do that for me but you need to be a woman first before a mom and horses help me with that.
I had my first session with her. I walked into the barn , yes her office is in a barn, and Clarissa looked at me. A beautiful chestnut horse. I sheepishly walked over as I didn’t know if I was allowed too. She immediately nuzzled her nose into my face and shoulder and I took a huge deep breath, I felt amazing I started to tear. I rubbed her nose and kissed it and it was the best I have felt in months. I then had my session, she was as amazing as I hoped. The only time I cried during the session was when I explained how I felt around horses. She encouraged me to spend time with the horses before and after the session and that next week we would start to work with them during my actual session. I was amazed… This woman in one hour just made my life so much better. I cannot wait to go back and this I think will make things heal.
I have a lot of work to do but I know that and I’m ok with it. I hope that this doesn’t make any of you uncomfortable but I don’t really care if it does. People need to feel like they can talk about anything and not get hatred for it. In this world we need to embrace the good things and try our best to forget about the bad.
Thank you for listening and if you are in a similar position I wish you well. Xx