Mom has to clean,cook,love her babies oh….and she has PTSD

I have been struggling with wether to write this for a few weeks. I didn’t want people to think of me differently, feel sorry for me, not understand what I meant or make anyone feel uncomfortable.

I decided it was something that I wanted to write and I was struggling because I wanted to put it out there in case I could help someone or get advise but for the reasons above I was holding it back.
If you met me you would say I am a happy person, that I love to be around people and that being a mom is my lifelong triumph. This is all true having chronic depression and PTSD doesn’t change that. It does however change how I feel when I’m alone or at home with no one else around.
I have struggled with depression for years on and off. I fought the feelings and tried to ignore them so I wouldn’t have to be different. Here’s the thing…. A lot of people struggle with depression. A lot of people don’t talk about it but, why not? It’s fine, you are strong enough to say “I need help and I’m going to get it.”
My PTSD stems from my dad having his stroke almost three years ago. I constantly relive the few days before when I had a conversation with him about his arm being numb and just thought it was because he was holding my daughter and was low on potassium. I then think about getting the message that he had the stroke, driving furiously to the hospital with my husband and talking to him while he was going through it. The months upon months that he was in a coma and I sat by his bed praying that he would wake up and the look in his eyes when he finally did and realized what happened. It’s hard but the worst part is that I haven’t dealt with it at all. Not because I am angry or in denial but because I picked up the pieces and sprung into action to help my mom and dad get through it. I have hardly cried. I have pushed every emotion and thought down to my toes to the point that I think they are going to come up my throat and I am going to scream how I feel to the world.
I stopped smiling as much, I was getting angry, upset and very sad much more often and the worst part of all… I didn’t feel like getting on the floor and playing with my kids. That was the last stand. I needed help and I needed it now.

My first therapist didn’t get it. She didn’t seem to talk at all and it was uncomfortable. One of my amazing friends recommended her colleague. She was young, she was new so had a good outlook and the Pièce de rèsistance she did Equine therapy. I could work with horses. The only place in the world where I feel like myself and that my soul is happy and healthy. Don’t get me wrong, my kids do that for me but you need to be a woman first before a mom and horses help me with that.

I had my first session with her. I walked into the barn , yes her office is in a barn, and Clarissa looked at me. A beautiful chestnut horse. I sheepishly walked over as I didn’t know if I was allowed too. She immediately nuzzled her nose into my face and shoulder and I took a huge deep breath, I felt amazing I started to tear. I rubbed her nose and kissed it and it was the best I have felt in months. I then had my session, she was as amazing as I hoped. The only time I cried during the session was when I explained how I felt around horses. She encouraged me to spend time with the horses before and after the session and that next week we would start to work with them during my actual session. I was amazed… This woman in one hour just made my life so much better. I cannot wait to go back and this I think will make things heal.

I have a lot of work to do but I know that and I’m ok with it. I hope that this doesn’t make any of you uncomfortable but I don’t really care if it does. People need to feel like they can talk about anything and not get hatred for it. In this world we need to embrace the good things and try our best to forget about the bad.

Thank you for listening and if you are in a similar position I wish you well. Xx

Tracy

18 responses to “Mom has to clean,cook,love her babies oh….and she has PTSD

  1. If anyone thinks of you differently they they are not your friends You are a amazing person,mom, and wife. Love you hold your head high Nancy

  2. I am so very proud of you. my one and only precious daughter. you were amazing with daddy. and were positive when everything was falling apart.. those were the worst months ever. and it’s so much harder with dad and I now living so far apart from you. you were always a daddy’s girl. I never felt left out just proud that you both had such a wonderful relationship and made each other happy all those Monday night’s watching your shows together. even when you got married Monday night’s were always your special nights together.

    so do whatever it takes to deal with the pain baby no one could think differently of you other than applaud the decision you made to make like meaningfull and a better place for you. I am very proud of you. and love you sending you virtual hugs big tight ones xxxxxx

  3. Well written! No one is perfect and the fact you are not moping around and actually getting out there looking to make things better is a wonderful first step!

  4. Firstly, before I forget, I’d like the name of that therapist who works with horses (Warwick area??)
    More importantly, I feel you, momoftwosalums. I was forced to deal with several issues around the time of both daughter’s being born and the range of emotions challenge the central nervous systems ability to cope. So some gets jammed away until later. — Oddly enough what never occurred to me until years later is that I may also have been experiencing post partum depression at the same time. It makes so much sense now as I better understand the hormonal cascade.
    It takes courage to speak out about depression but it’s worth it if it helps just one person. There is a secret shame attached to this disease, as if somehow it is a character defect. Sadly we do that to ourselves. But as more and more light is shed on this disease I think there will be better days ahead. It is so important to recognize the triggers of stress, alcohol and for some shopping as an anti-depressant. (guilty!)
    Hang tight and stick with the therapy. I’ve learned it is humanly possible to experience such wide ranges of emotions. To feel the joy of my children at the same time I’m grieving. To compartmentalize in a healthy way. — I wish you luck on your journey and applaud you for speaking out.
    Depression is a silent killer. Survivors need to make a loud and holy noise. The more the stigma of shame is removed the less power it has over us.
    Thank you, momoftwosalums.

    • Her name is Corey. I will send all the information to Nikki and she can ass it on. She is amazing. Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes we can feel like the ugly an nasty parts of the world will eat us up and trying to stay positive gets hard but, as long as you have someone guiding you the right way and great friends and family (you included) to help things can only improve. Xx

  5. (one of nikkis friends) ❤ Your post, It's hard to deal with depression or any type of thing like that, specially when you have children! After i have my baby i plan on going to talk to someone about my own issues with anxiety and depression that i've been struggling with for yearssss. It takes allot of guts to write about how you feel, being scared your going to be judged or looked at diff. but no one who is your true friend should have any changes about how they feel about you, except of course feel more close to you and more open about things. I think the horse thing is great!! Happy you found someone who can actually understand you and talk * i cannot stand talking to someone, expressing how i feel, and them not talk back to me! it makes me feel even more alone* Soooo true when you said ( People need to feel like they can talk about anything and not get hatred for it. In this world we need to embrace the good things and try our best to forget about the bad.) Everyone is so afraid to TALK and express feelings, other then anger and hatred :-/ I usetoo be a veryyyyy happy going person, smile on my face almost 24/7 but being around depressing, negitive things/people just doesn't help… Good luck with everything, like someone else said 1st step is getting out there and looking to making things better! that's prob the biggest step there is…

    • Thank you so much for that. This is exactly why I decided to talk about it. To let anyone that reads it know that it’s okay to be vulnerable at times. Having kids makes life great and the love you feel is immeasurable but it does help bring up some of those other feelings that you wish would go away. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment. Xxoo

  6. Pingback: Who Are You? « Born Screaming·

  7. I’m glad that you are finally getting appropriate help and have found a form of therapy that is serving you best. you know I always support you and love you no matter what! I’m happy that you’re getting happy!

  8. Your honesty is refreshing and endearing. Well done for speaking about how you feel. I too suffered from severe depression and ended up having two serious breakdowns whilst being a Mum. I understand so much of how you feel. Love to you ❤

  9. Pingback: Keepin it real… | MomofTwosalums·

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