“I hated getting a glimpse of myself in the side mirror”

Yesterday I talked about confidence. Today I will elaborate on my confidence, or lack off.
Let’s start here…I like myself, I love where I am at in life. I would change a few things in regards our circumstance, but I enjoy living each and every day.

In high school and the few years after I was in amazing shape, abs galore, skinny body, size 00 (yes it exists.) I didn’t think I was in good shape, I thought I needed to lose more. I started eating 7 crackers a day, I ate them at school so people would see me eat and I would eat something small at home. It didn’t last long, a few months maybe, I just didn’t feel like doing it anymore. I was 97lbs and still thought I needed to lose 5-10 pounds.
I always fit in during my high school years. I got along with everyone and had friends in every “clique.” I loved high school, but hell no I wouldn’t go back. I was in a decent head space then.
A bit after high school I started eating every thing in site. I mean I ate like a full grown man at breakfast, lunch and dinner. I never gained an ounce of weight. I was always cold, had no memory, was exhausted and if I stepped on the ground too hard I would get an awful nose bleed for way longer than seemed normal. My mom started taking me to the doctor, they would take blood upon blood and couldn’t find anything. I was at work one day {I started an amazing career at the age of 18} and I started getting an awful pain down my left arm. I knew I wasn’t having a heart attack but I couldn’t catch my breath and my chest hurt. I went to the nurse who listened to my heart and said that I had significant heart palpitations. She suggested that I get my Thyroid checked. It was a simple blood test, I got it… I had hyperactive thyroidism. It. was. bad. I was told that if I didn’t get it under control soon it could be life threatening. So I started my life long battle with medication… AND 6 months later I had gained over 80lbs. I’m 5’1 … I was obese.
That is where my hatred for my body intensified. I couldn’t look in the mirror. I couldn’t fit in any clothes and I was depressed.
Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t eat a lot. I was eating all the food from above because my metabolism was burning off the food entirely too fast. I tried to stop eating junk, or just eating less but nothing worked. The doctor told me it would be nearly impossible to lose weight until I got my thyroid under control. For years and years I changed the amount of medication I took until one doctor suggested that I get radiation therapy.

Once I had the radiation done it didn’t change much, over the years I came to find out that it wasn’t something I should have gotten done in my very early 20’s. It was a radical procedure that is usually done on older people after years of trying to get everything sorted out.

I continued my path of trying to lose weight. I was so frustrated and I hated putting clothes on. I hated pulling things out of the closet only to see that they were too small because on the hanger they looked huge. I hated getting a glimpse of myself in the side mirror in the car because I couldn’t believe that I was that big and I didn’t like myself. I didn’t like anything about my body and I was ashamed of it.

I always felt that when I went to a fast food place or to a restaurant that people were watching how much I ordered and how much I ate. I still didn’t eat very much but I was self conscious of everything that I put into my body because I knew (or I thought I did) what people where thinking. If someone laughed I assumed it was at me.

Then I met Adam, I was a little smaller, as I had gotten my medication pretty much on track and started to lose weight and the way he looked at me made me feel like I was the only woman in the room. I instantly fell in love with him and to this day I know that he is who I am meant to be with forever. He doesn’t judge me, He doesn’t tell me to lose weight or to go to the gym. He loves me for what’s important.

I still feel like I need to lose a lot, and I constantly make fun of my weight because if I do it then it doesn’t give anyone the chance too but something changed.

I was looking in the mirror and my daughter, who was just under 2 at the time, told me how beautiful I was. She told me that my hair was pretty, my skin was pretty and she loved how cozy I was when she hugged me. It was my “aha” moment. This child will be growing up along side me. She will be looking to me for all of the rights and wrongs on self confidence and i’ll be damned if I will let her look in the mirror one day and think she is fat or ugly. It was time for me to accept my body and start to love myself no matter what size I am.

I still struggle with it. I would love to be 50 pounds lighter, I would love to just throw a dress over my head and look good in it no matter what. I am jealous of my friends that have teeny bodies and look good in anything, but there is only one me. There is only one mommy for my daughter and I am going to be the one to raise her with great morals. I am going to do my best in this life to take care of myself, but I am going to enjoy myself along the way. I don’t want to be on a strict diet and be miserable, sure I would lose the weight but is it worth it??

I am going to try to make better choices day by day. I will go for an apple instead of a piece of pie (some days!). I will tell my daughter every day of her life that she is beautiful just like my mom did for me and I will pray {As hard as I can} that my beautiful girl will grow up to always love herself because her mama still needs convincing.

Do you have body issues? If so how are you conquering them. This is a safe place to talk so feel free to speak what is on your mind.


8 responses to ““I hated getting a glimpse of myself in the side mirror”

  1. Your weight may have (and may still be) a struggle for you. But there is a lot more that goes into making a person who they are. And you my dear are beautiful on the inside AND outside.

  2. Your beauty does shine from within and you have a beautiful glow about you. The rest will fall into place. Thank you for sharing with your readers.

  3. You’re beautiful no matter what size you are. Don’t let anyone say that you’re not and don’t ever think that you’re not. 😁

  4. My beautiful beautiful sensitive kind daughter , I just read your post and can’t stop crying, maybe it’s because I had an eating disorder that made you look at yourself so negatively, you were always perfect to me yes every mom says that but truly , I never saw weight I saw a beautiful young lady who cared more for outers than herself you were and are beautiful and so wise you always were so tuned in even when you were so young.i am so very sorry you felt so bad about yourself , please try to have lana talk to you as she’s growing up, I’m sorry I didn’t know all of this until now,
    You are very precious just be you and enjoy life , as you know it can change in a sec I love you .

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