The above quote resonated so much with me. I have cried more than I have ever cried in the last week. I have cried so hard that when I sobbed no noise came out. I don’t like crying, and I don’t do it much…. even when there are times that really call for it. I try to hold it together, not complain, go on with every day life, but the last few weeks it’s been impossible.
Fibromyalgia has been my enemy. It has weakened me, hurt me, emotionally scarred me, and made me have thoughts that no person should have.
I know a lot of my writing lately has been about how I am feeling and I will change that, but if there are any people out there that feel like I do then maybe they will get it and not feel alone. Because I have to tell you, feeling along and crazy is not a great thing.
I ran out of pain meds…long story but I am getting them back today. I also ran out of my anti-depressant (I take it for both the Fibro and depressions/PTSD). I would wake up in the morning and I couldn’t move. My fingernails hurt, my hair hurt, when I would stand up to go to the bathroom (which is attached to my room) I would be bent over and limping until I got there because it takes me that long to stretch out. Normally I can handle all the pain but being without both meds for more than three days sent me into a bad spiral.
Then on top of everything my baby turned 2. Everything hit that morning. I was in so much pain, I wanted to do so much for his birthday and I couldn’t really do anything. I had to even send him downstairs to his Nana & Papa’s house because I was so sick. I couldn’t believe that my little man was 2, he was now a little boy. He talks up a storm now and has his own opinion on EVERYTHING! haha. As much as I love him growing up I am sad that he is most likely my last baby. So I sobbed all day long.
I don’t like feeling sorry for myself, it’s not a gr.eat feeling especially when you think that there is a possibility that you are seriously going crazy. I felt like something in my head was broken. I was thinking things that I didn’t want to be thinking, seeing things that I didn’t want to see …. it was a very dark few days. The bright light was Mr. A, He tries to understand as much as he can and holds me for as long as I need to cry. He always tells me that we are both in this together and he truly means everything to me.
I just saw my Fibro guy yesterday… my first visit. He is a lovely man. He took blood tests from some pretty scary diseases (all of
which he and I am sure that I don’t have) just to make sure everything is ruled out. He said that since I am on a pretty high dose of all medication an am still not feeling much relief that i need to try other measures.
He suggested Acupuncture…which I am a little afraid of but will try, Massage therapy…which would be wonderful but who can afford that and Yoga. I am determined to learn Yoga. I have heard that it helps with the pain tremendously. He suggested that I start out at 5 minute increments of exercise to get my body used to it again because I will be in a good amount of discomfort the next day.
I am telling all those out there who suffer. It is a horrible disease, it is one that I didn’t fully understand until a GREAT friend of mine (who has it) actually diagnosed me in her mom’s kitchen. She is the reason why I went to the doctor and brought it up and she is the reason today that I actually have a name to all my pain. It’s a slow road. I normally only have an hour or two during the day that I feel well enough to actually get up and clean the house or play with the kids, so I normally pick play with the kids. The mess will always be there (as much as Mr. A hates that lol).
I am on my way to feeling better, to fixing myself and 2014 is going to be the year that I stick to the goals I set for myself. I am not declaring them out loud because in the end if I do them I am the one that will celebrate and if I don’t I am the only one I let down BUT I will not be letting myself down.
If you have Fibro or know someone that does please send them my way. I am going to start a section on my blog to specifically talking about it and sharing other people’s stories. It’s always nice to feel like you are not alone!
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