Sometimes I want to change my name. Not my name name, the name that I have had (and treasured) for the last 5.5 years. I tell the kids some days that my name is no longer mom, the last time I said it to L she asked me “then what do I call you?” I said the point is I don’t want you to call me anything – we both looked at each other and laughed hysterically for a good 10 minutes. She knows, she knows that they drive me crazy some days, but they are kids. They are supposed to drive me crazy for the rest of my life :).
Things are shifting here. My kids are now 5.5 and 3. J’s understanding of the world is starting to grow, he is starting to understand things more thoroughly. He asks more questions, comes out with a totally different way of thinking in his sentences, and has a deeper empathy for the world. My kids cry at commercials and sad movies, they tear up when happy things happen. They are curious about things that I am proud of them to be curious about. L wants to help me bake and cook, J wants to try to help as well but is a bit happier sitting close and watching. They treat me like a short order cook (which I secretly enjoy), they want stories told not just read.
The biggest shift though is their relationship with each other. My kids have always been close, L hasn’t gone too far without making sure her brother is beside her. Here is the thing, they now play with each other… get out dinosaurs, barbies, dolls and lego men and straight up play… use their imaginations, make little families, have dinosaurs eat them imaginations. They can sit and play for hours some days. They lie in bed together and watch movies, they have picnics in L’s room (which she used to have by herself.) They recently started to ask if they can have sleepovers. They have asked before and they were an epic fail…yelling, screaming, kicking, fighting for space on the same bed even though its a FULL size.
I wanted to give them another shot at it, but had forgotten all about it until last night. They both came to me, giddy with a glean in their eyes, “mama can J sleep in my bed tonight we promise we will be good!”
I smiled and looked into my kids eyes. They are filled with excitement, hope, love, empathy and all that is good in the world. I gave them a resounding yes. I had J collect a few of his favorite stuffed animals off his bed. I got them milk and a bedtime snack and I tucked them all in with a new movie that they both agreed on. You know what happened… nothing. I heard nothing for about 45 minutes, then I heard giggling, then nothing, some more giggling and then more nothing. They watched the entire movie. An entire movie with no MOOOOOOOOOOOM’s is a huge deal in this house (and i’m assuming most sibling households.) At that point J decided that he actually wanted to sleep in his own bed so I moved him back in. I climbed up on his fort bed and he said that he wanted L to tuck him in. She happily obliged saying “I told you he would want me mom” and climbed up on the bed. She tucked the teddy bears in around him, pulled up the sheet and cover and then he asked her for a goodnight kiss. She leaned down and gave him a kiss and they hugged, blissfully hugged each other for at least 10 seconds. Then came the “I love you L, I love you too J” “I will see you in the mornin” “Okay L I will see you in the mornin.” You could have pulled me off the floor because I melted right there. My babies are capable of tucking each other into bed and doing the full “goodnight” routine. It made me happy and sad all at once. I cannot wait to see my daughter as a 15 year old. I want to share all the fun experiences with her, but I don’t want her to get a day older than she is now because she is little and perfect and my 1st baby. She is the little girl that gave me the name mom and I will forever be thankful for that.
Being a stay at home mom is a really hard job. I rarely get out of sweat pants, I hardly ever do my hair or makeup, my house is a mess (Even thought most think that it should be spotless) and I don’t always have a meal on the table when I should. I love this job, I love the fact that I get to see them grow up, every day. Every day something new has begun, the metamorphosis of kids is an amazing thing and I get to see if first hand. My kids don’t slip and call someone else mom, they see me every day and see me try everyday to be the best mom I can be.
Do I wish I was a better mom? Hell yea
Do I feel like all the moms around me are in the same boat? Hell yea because we all talk about it and we all actually parent (for the most part) the same way which is very comforting.
I vow that this year I will work on myself, there are things that need fixing within me. Things that are very broken and hurt and will take a long time to heal, but if I don’t do them then I won’t be the best mom that I can be. I want to be the best mom I can be and this year I will be!
My kids are growing up everyday and getting closer and closer by the minute. I am so thankful that they have each other. They will be best friends for life and that is something that makes a mothers heart burst.
So thank-you to L and J for allowing me to have the name mom even if some days I want to give it away 🙂